i think past traumas explain my sexual deviance and more than that, has warped my state of mind and self-esteem. little things hurt me. im fearful, i dont know how to say when things bother me. i've repressed most of them. when im feeling weak and worthless, i dont know how to make a decision. ive been trying to understand myself better and how every thing i do is just to numb myself. i feel weak, i cant move. i repress my memories. i forget who i am. 

isn't life just a neverending quest to keep us busy? i find meaning in something and ride with it until it's gone. im uncomfortable with myself. i haven't recovered, from things even 10, 15 years ago. i can't find a reason to inject myself into settings when i'm just going to be hurt again.